


My Brothers, My Mother, And Me

by lohac



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, homestuck meets mbmbam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-25 18:33:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12538484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lohac/pseuds/lohac
Summary: In which I take good MBMBAM goofs and turn them, alchemy-like, into Homestuck.





	1. Does anyone know how to curse a real sword?

**Author's Note:**

> this concept came into being one day when i had the thought, '[dirk strider voice] does anyone know how to curse a real sword?'  
> it just spiraled from there  
> enjoy

DIRK: Does anyone know how to curse a real sword?    
ROXY: details    
DAVE: none    
DAVE: none details    
ROXY: eugh    
ROXY: a real sword?    
DIRK: Yeah. As opposed to -    
ROXY: eughhhhhhh    
ROXY: a real - like with an edge and metal and what all    
DIRK: Yeah.    
DAVE: just your typical real sword    
ROSE: Fight quality?    
DIRK: Doesn’t say. Doesn’t say.    
ROXY: just like a real - curse like a nerf sword    
ROXY: does he wanna curse a nerf sword    
DIRK: I mean, a nerf sword is real. But I think the real in the subject is modifying sword. So, a real fightin’ sword.    
ROXY: a real sword, eugh    
DAVE: do you know how to curse a nerf sword    
ROXY: eww gosh a real sword?    
ROXY: pbbt    
ROXY: uhhhh pbbbbbbbt    
ROXY: had to be real didnt it    
DIRK: Yeah, that’s the -    
ROSE: Mom, couldn’t you just take your nerf sword curse and use it on the sword?    
DIRK: Yeah.    
ROXY: which sword    
ROSE: The real sword.    
ROXY: a real sword? ughhhhhhh    
DAVE: (laughing)    
ROXY: cursing a real sword    
ROXY: gosh, a real sword?    
DAVE: can i ask -    
ROXY: what about    
ROXY: can i interest you in a cursed    
ROXY: wait what did you want    
ROSE: A real sword.    
ROXY: aughhhhhhhh gosh    
DAVE: (laughing)    
ROXY: a real one    
ROXY: (tongue clicking)    
ROXY: aw crap um    
DAVE: this is great cuz i felt like i was kinda runnin on empty comin into the end of the episode    
DAVE: i was just like looking for something like this to just sorta coast in on    
ROXY: whats the date    
DIRK: It’s September 4th, when we’re recording this.    
ROXY: roughly what time is it    
DIRK: About five.    
ROXY: about five okay    
ROXY: whose time zone    
DAVE: yours    
ROXY: and what kinda sword    
DIRK: Very real.    
ROXY: eughhhhhhhhhhh    
DIRK: (laughing)    
ROXY: gosh oof um mm eugh    
ROXY: gosh a real sword    
ROXY: just a curse?    
DAVE: can i ask whats bothering you so much about this    
ROSE: I mean, do you have experience cursing a decorative sword?    
DAVE: or blessing a real sword but not cursing it    
DAVE: it just seems like youre upset about literally every word in this sentence    
ROXY: what did you want to happen to the real -    
ROXY: like i got the real sword    
ROXY: like i see you have a real sword that you brought with you    
ROXY: what did you    
ROXY: like clarify for me what exactly you want to happen    
ROSE: We wanted to curse it.    
ROXY: curse what    
ROSE: A real sword.    
ROXY: ehhhhhhhhh gosh    
ROXY: woof this is a toughie    
DIRK: Can you enchant a real sword?    
ROXY: enchant it with what    
DIRK: Magic.    
ROXY: yeah but what kind of enchantment are you wanting    
DAVE: fire    
DAVE: well say fire    
ROXY: what    
DIRK: Fire.    
ROXY: well a fire enchantment on a real sword, thats no problem at all    
DIRK: You knock that out over the weekend.    
ROXY: yeah ill do that in my -    
ROSE: But what about, so just take that and curse the real sword?    
ROXY:    
ROXY:    
ROXY:    
ROXY: OOF    
DAVE: yeah but -    
ROXY: ya got me    
DAVE: no i know i know i know    
DAVE: think about it this way    
DAVE: think about the sweat equity that youre building    
DAVE: people buy swords and they just put em up on the shelf and they think like oh thats gonna increase in value    
DAVE: but its not    
DAVE: cuz a sword needs to be honed yknow what i mean    
DAVE: it needs to be used    
DIRK: Or in this case, it needs to be enchanted with dark magics.    
DIRK: And if you do that, you’re gonna be able to resell this for… god. I don’t know. Fifty to a hundred percent profit?    
DAVE: depends on the curse too    
DAVE: and the sword    
ROXY: yeah i mean i would think    
ROXY: depending on the kind of sword that youre wanting to curse    
DIRK: Real.    
ROXY: it could be really easy    
ROXY: or it could be really difficult    
ROXY: it depends on the type of sword that youre wanting to put the curse on    
DIRK: What about a scimitar?    
ROXY: what kind of -    
ROSE: A real scimitar.    
ROXY: ahhhhhhh gah    
ROXY: that is tough    
ROXY: $100    
DIRK:    
DIRK: That wasn’t even the question.    
ROSE: (laughing)    
DIRK: The question was, does anyone know how to curse a real sword? Not, how much would it cost Roxy Lalonde to curse my real sword?    
ROXY: wait what did you wanna curse    
DIRK: I’m so mad.    
DAVE: you didnt stick the dismount    
DAVE: you flipped in the air for twenty minutes and you didnt stick the landing    
DIRK: A real sword.    
ROXY:    
ROXY: $200    
DIRK: Why did it increase?    
ROXY: you wasted my time kid    
DIRK: Alright.    
DIRK: Are you gonna curse this fuckin’ sword for me or not?    
ROXY: i will if you keep your voice down    
ROSE: And I also need you to buy some of these unicorn figurines.    
ROXY: wait is it a fuckin sword    
ROXY: cuz that i can curse    
ROXY: thats no problem    
ROXY: as long as it is not    
ROXY: gosh i cant even say it    
ROSE: Real?    
ROXY: real    
ROXY: eughghghhghhghgh    
ROXY: $300    
DIRK: I’m leaving.    
DIRK: I’m leaving this store. This is a bad store, run by not business-minded people.    
ROXY: well i have some bad news for you    
DIRK: What’s that?    
ROXY: its a dreambubble starbucks and youve been dead the whole time    
DIRK: What?    
ROXY: twist!    
ROXY: shyamalan    
DIRK: Why do I have a sword?    
ROXY: do you    
ROXY: look in your right hand    
DIRK: Holy shit, this is not a real sword at all.    
ROXY: thats one of our new sausage and gouda sandwiches    
ROXY: theyre new this week    
DIRK: Can you curse this for me?    
ROXY: yeah no problem    
DAVE: how much is that    
ROXY: how much is what    
DIRK: Cursing my sandwich.    
ROXY: oh that comes free with the purchase    
DAVE: aw fuck yeah    
DIRK: Yeah, do it. Can you toast it?    
DAVE:    
DAVE: wait hold on stop    
ROXY: wait wait wait    
DAVE: stop hold on wait hold on stop    
DAVE: are you    
DAVE: in your mind    
DAVE: when you toast something    
DAVE: and this is very important i shouldve asked this up front    
DAVE: when you toast something    
DAVE: do you refer to that as cursing it    
ROXY: yes    
DIRK: Okay, so -    
ROXY: now when you say sausage and gouda sandwich    
DAVE: yeah    
ROXY: are you referring to a real sword    
DAVE: no no its a real sandwich    
ROXY: okay thats no problem thats easy    
DIRK: So, in the morning times, you say, hey. I know what I’ll have for a little breakfast time treat. I’m gonna curse some waffles.    
ROXY: right    
ROXY: give them the curse of incineration    
DIRK: Okay. You know what, I will have that on my sword, thank you.    
ROXY:    
ROXY: have what    
ROSE: Alright! Thank you all for listening to My Brothers, My Mother, and Me. That was our Who’s On First.    
DAVE: were gonna break that out into a single    
DAVE: gonna stamp that on the vinyl    
DAVE: well have people sign it    
DAVE: well sign it for folks    
DAVE: just come to our shows bring our cursed sword single and well make sure you wont leave unhappy    
ROXY: can i just say    
ROXY: somebody out there    
ROXY: one person    
ROXY: just found their favorite bit of all time    
DIRK: Can I say something? I think it was fuckin’ you.    
ROSE: I think it was John Egbert.    
ROXY: john egbert thought that was a real good goof    



	2. What is your favorite wizard swear?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was suggested by zoeticValidation! thank u for the suggestion!

DAVE: okay this next question is by pesterchum user    
DAVE: oh my god somethings gone wrong    
DIRK: … Rucious. Rucious Primsteen.    
DAVE: rucious primsteen asks    
DAVE: what is your favorite wizard swear    
ROSE: Ooh.    
ROXY: what is your favorite wizard swear    
ROSE: Um. Is there any context to the question, Dave?    
DAVE: of COURSE not    
ROSE: (laughing)    
ROSE: Oh, I think I really like fuck.    
DAVE: (laughing)    
DAVE: aw fuck my spell fucked up    
ROSE: (laughing)    
ROSE: My fucking wand is broken.    
DIRK: Aw, my fuckin’ wand again. Where’s my fuckin’ cauldron?    
ROSE: Fucking Snape’s riding my ass.    
DIRK: Fuckin’ Snape’s on my dick, god.    
ROXY: (laughing)    
DIRK: Merlin’s beard, fuck! It’s hot in here.    
ROXY: why do we all have to wear these fuckin robes    
DAVE: merlins fucking beard    
ROSE: (laughing)    
ROXY: fuckin hate this whole castle    
ROXY: hey jimmy can you fucking stop extinguishing the lights with your fucking spell    
ROXY: it sucks    
ROSE: We’re in a castle. It’s fucking dark. It’s drafty as shit.    
ROXY: its drafty and dark all the time    
ROSE: Come on.    
DAVE: oh fucking dragon farts    
ROXY: (laughing)    
ROSE: (laughing)    
ROSE: Get your fucking rat out of my bedroom.    
DAVE: zippity zappity fuckity doo    
ROXY: (laughing)    
ROXY: why are wands so fuckin thin    
ROXY: i break em every week    
ROXY: i hate this fuckin job    
ROSE: No, I don’t want a fucking butterbeer. Can I just get a Miller High Life? Fuck, Jesus Christ.    
ROXY: (laughing)    
ROSE: No, the candy’s alive. I bought a fucking chocolate frog.    
DIRK: It’s inside me, moving the fuck around.    
ROSE: All the pictures fucking move. It’s creeping me the fuck out.    
ROSE: I just want to go home.    
DAVE: i ate a jellybean and it was period    
DAVE: im fuckin out of wizardtown    
DAVE: im a guy now and i work at citgo    
ROXY: you have tried seven fuckin times to levitate yourself    
ROSE: (laughing)    
ROXY: just get a fucking ladder and go up there and get the soda off the shelf    
ROSE: It’s Wingardium Fucking Leviosa, alright? How many fucking times do I -    
DIRK: Muggle fucker.    
ROXY: what do you fuckin mean we dont even have ladders    
ROXY: i hate this fuckin castle    
ROXY: buy a ladder they cost fifteen fuckin dollars    
ROXY: generate one out of pure wishes    
ROXY: or whatever the fuck you idiots do    
DIRK: ‘This ladder goes in six directions.’ I want up!    
ROSE: Why the fuck would I want that?    
ROSE: ‘The staircases move.’ Well that’s poor fucking planning, isn’t it? Isn’t it?    
ROSE: I could get on a staircase to somewhere and end up fucking somewhere else.    
ROSE: What do you mean, there’s a giant dog upstairs, guarding a fucking trapdoor? I’m just trying to find the bathroom. I hate this place.    
ROXY: i dont want an owl fuckin next to my bed all night long    
ROXY: the eyes are crazy    
ROSE: He shit all over my nightstand. Are you gonna clean this up?    
ROXY: he just fuckin stares at me    
DIRK: There’s a fucking wizarding war going on? I’m gonna go get my fucking GED. This is ridiculous.    
ROXY: quick question    
ROXY: nobody mentioned this to my fuckin parents when you put me on a train and shipped me off here    
ROXY: that just fuckin every day my life would be under threat    
ROXY: i dont know magic    
ROSE: I’m just trying to learn some fucking potions.    
ROXY: i dont know magic    
ROXY: how about for the first three years you give me a gun    
DIRK: (laughing)    
DAVE: (laughing)    
ROSE: (laughing)    
ROXY: how about you give me a fucking gun    
ROXY: so i can shoot the bad wizards when theyre not looking    
ROXY: how about that    
ROXY: cuz apparently you cannot protect me    
ROXY: half the people at this fucking school are evil    
ROXY: and you dont know it    
ROSE: What’s that? You guys don’t play football either?    
DAVE: how am i supposed to ball 24-7 on the quidditch court    
DAVE: fuck    
ROSE: Oh, everything here wants to kill me? There’s giant plants that want to kill me, and if I fall off my fucking broomstick I’m dead, and people are fucking cursing me? Okay, great.    
ROSE: In high school, I might get bullied.    
ROSE: I hate this place.    
ROXY: hate this fuckin school    
DAVE: more like dog narts    
ROSE: (laughing)    
ROXY: nailed it    
ROSE: Solid.    


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated and my tumblr is grandrelic if you wanna say hi or anything!  
> also, if you have any requests of specific goofs you want me to do, feel free to ask! just tell me the episode number and the timestamp, or if theres a youtube video or tumblr audio post, you can just link that


End file.
